Now, Can I Talk To You? - The Finale

Now that's we've made it past the other two blogs addressing abusive pastors who needed to hear what needed to be said,  I want to give comfort to those who are experiencing "technical difficulties" with their leadership. I can definitely feel your pain. I'm still reeling from the blows I allowed to be inflicted in my life but everyday, I feel stronger, better, and a lot more outspoken, too (boy, have I caught heat from the other two posts, it's all good). Here's a little list I've created of things you may be thinking (but can't tell nobody because they might judge you and say, "there's a spirit on you":

• You don't agree with charismatic leadership styles: Whatever do you mean, ole' Dave? It's simple. The loud and crazy comments, cliches, and long winded prayers. The long, drawn out uneducated and "self-spirit" led sermons. The embarrassing call outs someone's sin and drawn-out altar calls. Messages and leadership that note the pastor's way to Christ is the only way to heaven (which goes against Matthew 7). The tearing down of a person but lack of building up of the same. The inner frustrations of feeling lost or abandoned. 
• You feel trapped: Don't front, some of you do but I'll admit it for you. I used the feel the same way you do. It's sort of like a prison experience, I know. You may feel isolated from the world around you, vast opportunities of having friends (even those who believed in something else or nothing at all), talked out of becoming a professional musical artist, even cut off from own family and closest friends. You became a shell of something that was nothing but religion's best, which is to the destroy the soul's trait of individuality. 
• You see people hurt and leave: Nothing hurts a congregation more than seeing people leave, especially when they leave from unresolved conflicts. It's sad. Trust me I've been there. Matter of fact, I've been on both sides of the fence. It hurt to see many of my mentors and friends leave but years later, I too became another statistic and now others are hurting. Usually in local and unaccountable churches, this is a common occurrence. Usually it's pastors/leaders/members allowing the wounds of words, gossip, and judgmental comments fester to the point of people leaving as "bleeding sheep." I guess I'm an honorary member of the team, now (lol).
• Things taught don't line up with God's Word: There's a lot of that in churches now. Not the cliches because those will never go away (hey, I just popped a freestyle, cool!). This happens a lot when pastors begin to feed into their own ego, care less about the people's needs, and say/do/think what they want. Now, they've led the sheep to jump off cliffs plunging to their deaths. No one will dare challenge them and if so, they will become ostracized by that church society as a leper.
• You hate what you see in the mirror: Oh my goodness. Do you ever feel this way after all the hoopla at church services? Do you ever feel more lost, drained, and confused after all the emotionalism you've just allowed yourself to participate in? Do you hate the power you've given to these hirelings who've punked you out of your time, money, and talents? Do you hate the person, this religious Jesus freak you've become? I know how you feel.....

But I've got great news for you, you have two options:

1. Stay: Through my extensive and intensive research on this subject, I see that people who've received "offerings of love" from pastors and church members in difficult/transitional times tend to stay at those same churches for years (some times over a decade, I can bear witness to that). They feel a sense of duty to stay there, to be committed to that church no matter what it will cost them. They tend to condone a lot of unethical, immoral, and blatantly wrong actions by their leaders/members (usually left unchecked) because they hold them in high regard. They are willing to allow gossip from their pastor's mouth, which are for "counseling purposes", (really an excuse to tear down people or through shade behind their backs) but deep inside you know it's not right. They are willing to be emotionally, sometimes physically, spiritually, financially, and psychologically abused. It's sort of like women or men beaten by their spouses, they continue to stay in these relationships. They also tend to justify these relationships, saying, "he/she didn't know what they're doing, he/she was having a bad day, or Tyler Perry's favorite, he/she is just playing." However, the abuse continues until someone dies, the abused is beaten to death or commits suicide or the abuser is killed. Let's shift this over. People's family life is destroyed because they've allowed  pastors full access into their lives. I've seen more marriages in coffins when this happens. It's common when marital conflicts arise, people tend to go to their pastor but he or she may not have the right tools to help the situation. I've seen people's dreams to do great things, travel, and start a family destroyed because jealous and insecure pastors manipulated them to think otherwise (ask my parents The Royals) It's sad. I've seen so many pastors get away with wrongdoing and people sticking up for them saying, the "God's will be done" propaganda (I once was that type of person, and I've hurt a lot of people along the way). They end up becoming Mini-Me's of these abusive leaders and act the same way towards anyone who doesn't "conform to the standard." They stay in these churches because they've developed relationships with others who too are blinded by the "gods of this age" and only the light of Christ can break the mental strongholds inserted by these horrible pastors. Wow....I'll say this too, pastors of this caliber are well-skilled into inserting fear mechanisms to keep people from leaving. "You're in sin if you leave this church. You're the devil. You won't make it out there alone. And my personal favorite, You'll be back" (just like Mister said in The Color Purple). One book I finished reading a couple of months ago (Churches That Abuse by Ronald Enroth, it's mind boggling), discussing the terrible situations different people went through. The longer they stayed the more hell they went through. All in the name of God. I'll tell you this, you can't change a system that's unwilling to change only God can. This leads me to my next point....

2. Leave: During my time in the Army, they used to tell people (people like me) who didn't like the military that, "this is a volunteer Army." The same applies to all of us. We voluntarily joined these churches and when the abuse comes, we voluntarily stay there. Some of us think are staying in these situations and places of abuses because we believe that God can change anything. What if, what if God isn't going to do nothing but let unethical practices at this church go on? If you knew that and knew God and the people who really love you want you out of that situation, too? Would we ignore the signs or would we heed to them? Just as easily as you joined, it's just that easy for you to leave (that includes ministers, too - especially if you're not getting paid for all the labor (time/money) you're putting in). It's just that simple. Why stay in an "abusive  relationship (i.e. church/leadership) that continues to call you things that aren't true? Why continue to look up to a leader that is stabbing you behind your words and actions? Why continue to follow after teachings and doctrines that even Jesus himself can't find in the Bible? Why continue to put your spouse and kids through verbal and spiritual assaults led by pastors and their henchmen? Why stay? Why not go? Letting go of something we try to justify is good but is bad for us isn't easy. It's like an addiction. It's hard to wean ourselves from that addiction. But, as the great Bobby Womack said in a documentary about his "addictions", he made one choice that saved his life from a horrible end. If the cons outweigh the pros, then do what needs to done. Just as Tyler Perry says, "We try to hold onto things God himself is trying to tear apart." Isn't that the truth... At that the beginning, you're "wide-eyed" and bushy tailed but after having your eyes open to what's really going on in that organization and its leader(s), the honeymoon is over. You begin to question and you don't like the answers. The arrows that you see in your sleep at night are pointing toward the exit. Will people in the congregation wonder why you left (especially if you've been for a very long time)? Yes (in the Daniel Bryan voice). Will people who you thought were in your corner cut you off? Yes. Is there a possibility your former pastors dog you out every time your name or memory of you comes in their head or is mentioned? Yes. Some of you may ask, shouldn't I make a formal statement or this that and the third? In my opinion, I don't think so. Things don't happen overnight, the process begins way before we leave. But I will assure you this, you may be bleeding, you may not, but this experience will change your life forever. I can tell you from personal experience, life will become sweeter, wiser, nourishing, calmer, and better. In time, you'll be able to kick the k---nowledge (Red Foxx's joke) to other "bleeding sheep" who've gone through the same things (trust me, there's a lot of them out there hurting in the US right now). In time, people who you had to leave behind (for a little while), you'll be able to tell them what really happened to clear up the misconceptions your former pastors (and their "minions") talked about. In time, the same minions (once they step out of line from the same pastors in any way no pleasing to them) will be giving you a call telling you, "I see what you were saying now." If you know certain folks are all into what the abusive leader is teaching, don't bother trying to get them to see your side of things (remember that mental fear mechanism I was referring to earlier?). Talk with a sociologist, a psychologist (you wouldn't believe how many people who've left churches have to get professional counseling, the mental damages are astronomical), it's okay, don't let the "super-spirituals" tell you different.  Take time out for yourself, chill, go to the movies. Visit healthy churches that help you horizontally (life on earth) and how to cope with certain issues (you'll be amazed, the people who speak will be talking about your situation and how to deal with it). The possibility of you going back there, even for a visit, not a good idea. You'll become blacklisted. Trust me, I've seen this happen before. It's all good though. Everything will work out fine, in time.


Before I end this series (which has probably demonized me and everything/everybody else connected to me) with this blog, I encourage you to read and download"Churches That Abuse", by Ronald M. Enroth by using this following link, http://www.reveal.org/development/Churches_that_Abuse.pdf
A lot of my "opinions" came from this book along with other materials I've been reading before the 3rd quarter of 2013 ever started (www.churchleaders.com).

Another thought provoking blog (Wise Sloth) has some other lists that are spot on (he's not dissing Christ, just churches with bugged out ideologies:
 http://wisesloth.wordpress.com/2012/09/02/15-signs-your-church-is-a-cult/

This is a great resource for churches, work, school, you name it. Abuse is still prevalent and those in power positions, when left unchecked will use it for their own advantages in this world. Don't lay down like a doormat and let them walk all over you. Stand on your feet and fight back.

Til Next Time, David "TEG" Overton.....