Lessons We Can Learn From Jay-Z's "Adnis"

This past Friday, a bonus edition of Jay-Z's 4:44 LP was released, which includes a song dedicated to his late father called "Adnis." Although I've enjoyed the project, I was anticipating to hear "Adnis" and when I heard it, I was buried with tears. I felt where Jay-Z was coming from because I've been there before with my biological father, "Ben." I listened to that song at least 4 times within a 30 minute period and let my wife listen to it as well. After I played her the song, I cried again.

"Letter to my dad that I never wrote"
Speeches I prepared that I never spoke
Words on a paper that I never read
Proses never penned they stayed in my head (fear to release those emotions)
Jotted on dotted lines, "I'mma fight you nigga" (revenge, anger, hurt, loneliness, abandonment)
Stories that I heard I'm just like you nigga (the apple doesn't fall far from the tree)
Must've been some pain in your past too (in the black community, the cycle of pain never ends...)
Must've been karma that was past due ("the sins of the father/mother are passed to the sons/daughters")
Must've been the energy that passed through (the chance of redemption, the chance the break the cycle of pain)

Ask anybody from my family, I'm the spitting image of my father, down to the way I act. My mom would show me pictures of him when I was a kid to remind me that I had a father (he left us when I was 4). I can remember many times I would be frustrated with my life because I wanted what my other friends and classmates had, a father. I was a very angry kid and it followed me for a long time. One thing I will say, my stepfather, "Daddy Tony" has been an amazing father to me but deep inside, I wanted my father around. There have been periods in my life that we had no contact, sometimes months, most times, years. I went through so much shit, mental shit in my life that no kid before the age of 10 should experience but I did. Sometimes, I say to myself, how would I be if my father was around. Nobody will ever know. I'm a big Jay-Z fan and the second song I heard from the God emcee (besides "Lucky Me") that showed his "mortality" was "This Can't Be Life" (from "The Dynasty" LP). Then I heard "Momma Loves Me" (off "The Blueprint" Vol 1) and boy, that took me through some various emotions (in September 2001, I hadn't heard from my father since June 2000). Fast forward 2017 and this song hits my spirit. The part that got me was this:

"Who would've thought I'd be the dad I never had (maturity)
Be the husband I've become
You, see nothing come from that
I forgive you as I live through the beautiful present of the past (if we choose to...)
I'm just thank that I get all these gifts to unwrap" (lessons, taking the good out of the bad)

I'm a fairly new father as of June 25, 2016 and it's been a terrifying ride. Once my father told me that at least 3 generations of fathers left their families and everyday I fight to break the cycle. I've long forgave my father for all the times he wasn't there, especially after knowing the circumstances he's told me he experienced in his childhood. 2017 has been an interesting year in hip-hop music but to hear a legend of S. Dot come from the throne to tell people, particularly men, his struggles when it comes to fatherhood/childhood/parenthood. "Adnis" is a song of reflection, which I believe is stark reminder of the continual problems in the black community. There are too many single mothers with multiple kids and those kids don't have their father around to love or provide. We've got too may young boys (and girls) walking around angry with the world, hating themselves, and borderline homicidal/suicidal because their father (mothers) is nonexistent (most of the time emotionally/psychologically healthy relationships). This song talks about the culture of abandonment that so many of us in the black community (or anyone of any race for that matter) deals with when the people we love the most leaves us hanging. This song also touches on the problem that the black community has when it comes to drugs and alcohol (oh yeah, this includes me, too). Most importantly, this talks about the black community finally letting go of its ego, its pride, its carelessness, its selfishness, its religion, its excuses, and talk about the various shit that plaques us as individuals as well as families. Albums like Jay-Z's "4:44", Tyler the Creator's "Flower Boy", Vic Mensa's "The Autobiography", and Logic's "Everybody" are wake up calls for us to speak honestly and openly. However, there is reasonable doubt the black community as a whole are listening to the horns to simmer down, sit down, and get real. 

Tim next time.....

Sunday Edition: There Is Life After Jesus

Hello, friends, it's been a long time since I've written a blog; a lot has changed. I'll tell you now, it's taking a lot of out me to write this post because in the black community, this train of thought is frowned upon. It's sort of blasphemous for anyone in the black community not believe in or live for Jesus Christ. In my opinion, it's feels like anyone who doesn't believe is considered worse than a "sinner man." I can say this because in my "christian days", I would go ham on anyone who didn't believe in Jesus, from atheists, to Muslims, to people who experienced "church hurt." I'd "witness" to them about the "love of Jesus" and provide "chapter and verse" to support my work "in Jesus' name."
Today, I'm not that same man and very much a non believer of Jesus.

Since early 2012, my out-processing of the christian faith has been an arduous one. Many of my family and friends don't know that I'm an agnostics, hell, borderline atheist. During this process, I've taken the time to step out of the christian community and analyze things with a broader perspective. I've finally concluded that Jesus is nothing more than a deadbeat father (well, that's if he existed). I see that we in the black community have been indoctrinated to love this "jesus" with all our heart, mind, soul, and strength. We are taught to live for Christ, shame this "devil", pray, believe, go to church, worship him, and wait to go to heaven after we die. Well, that's all lies. I believe, the main reason why many of us believe and serve Jesus is because we are fearful of going to hell.

We are indoctrinated with this and it's caused a cognitive dissonance that muddies reality. We are taught that we are nothing with god and cannot experience success without christ. Hell, nowadays, we're told that anyone who is black with riches and wealth are members of the Illuminati and have sold their souls to Bhapmomet. Lies. Many of us are praying, fasting, worshipping, preaching, singing, and serving yet hear that voice in our spirits saying, "when are you going to give this up?" Some of us maybe hearing our your true conscience saying, "don't you think there is more to your life than doing all of this?" Some of you believe that if you have legitimate doubts about christianity that you are succumbing to the "wiles of the devil." Some of you are in church services nodding your head to the words of a preacher but deep inside you feel like your trapped. Some of you want to do great things with your life but the rules founded in the scriptures and the hypocritical Christian culture have developed mental chains from you doing this.

Many of us believe that if we don't believe in jesus that our lives are over. It's not and believe me, your life will blossom even more without jesus. Some people in my life are hoping that I'll come back home (church and jesus), forget all that my family has experienced, and get back on track. That'll never happen because I'm living a life that's far better than what I had with jesus. My career is really going forward in the right direction (promoted five times within 5 years), a son of my own, new friends who  love me without hidden intentions, and most importantly, me being what I want to be. In the christian religion, I was hammered with achieving the purpose jesus wanted me to have but it was more like me chancing a dangling carrot (and a hamster on a wheel). I had to paint my face with happiness but I was a sad sack of shit. Although I still have problems (like anybody else), I'm finally experiencing happiness.

You see, I've learned and still learning that I don't need to find strength, love, happiness, contentment, or success from somebody I can't see. All of that is in me and it's my responsibility to achieve those accolades. To be quiet honest, it behooves you to do the same. I believe your life will be more blessed without jesus than with jesus. There's no need to serve someone you'll never see in this life or the next (if there is one). There's no need for you to forgive undeserving people because you want "jesus" to forgive you (remember, forgiveness is not given but earned). There's no need for you to give your money in the church's collection plate hoping god will bless you (that money needs to be invested in yourself). It's time to take back the reins of your life and live the life you want to live. This life is limitless and religion (that includes relationship with jesus) only roadblocks your way to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

If your thinking of leaving the faith, I support you. It's not easy because people are going to come at you and try to make you doubt on the decision that works best for you. At the end of it all, there is life after jesus and once you begin living life on your terms, those same people coming at you will be jealous of you. Live the life you want to live, live your truth, live it responsibly, live it with no regrets (at least try to...). If this is you, get out of the pews, walk towards the exit door, open the exit door, and the crazy world around that's called sinful as your place of freedom.

'Til next time....