Lessons We Can Learn From Jay-Z's "Adnis"

This past Friday, a bonus edition of Jay-Z's 4:44 LP was released, which includes a song dedicated to his late father called "Adnis." Although I've enjoyed the project, I was anticipating to hear "Adnis" and when I heard it, I was buried with tears. I felt where Jay-Z was coming from because I've been there before with my biological father, "Ben." I listened to that song at least 4 times within a 30 minute period and let my wife listen to it as well. After I played her the song, I cried again.

"Letter to my dad that I never wrote"
Speeches I prepared that I never spoke
Words on a paper that I never read
Proses never penned they stayed in my head (fear to release those emotions)
Jotted on dotted lines, "I'mma fight you nigga" (revenge, anger, hurt, loneliness, abandonment)
Stories that I heard I'm just like you nigga (the apple doesn't fall far from the tree)
Must've been some pain in your past too (in the black community, the cycle of pain never ends...)
Must've been karma that was past due ("the sins of the father/mother are passed to the sons/daughters")
Must've been the energy that passed through (the chance of redemption, the chance the break the cycle of pain)

Ask anybody from my family, I'm the spitting image of my father, down to the way I act. My mom would show me pictures of him when I was a kid to remind me that I had a father (he left us when I was 4). I can remember many times I would be frustrated with my life because I wanted what my other friends and classmates had, a father. I was a very angry kid and it followed me for a long time. One thing I will say, my stepfather, "Daddy Tony" has been an amazing father to me but deep inside, I wanted my father around. There have been periods in my life that we had no contact, sometimes months, most times, years. I went through so much shit, mental shit in my life that no kid before the age of 10 should experience but I did. Sometimes, I say to myself, how would I be if my father was around. Nobody will ever know. I'm a big Jay-Z fan and the second song I heard from the God emcee (besides "Lucky Me") that showed his "mortality" was "This Can't Be Life" (from "The Dynasty" LP). Then I heard "Momma Loves Me" (off "The Blueprint" Vol 1) and boy, that took me through some various emotions (in September 2001, I hadn't heard from my father since June 2000). Fast forward 2017 and this song hits my spirit. The part that got me was this:

"Who would've thought I'd be the dad I never had (maturity)
Be the husband I've become
You, see nothing come from that
I forgive you as I live through the beautiful present of the past (if we choose to...)
I'm just thank that I get all these gifts to unwrap" (lessons, taking the good out of the bad)

I'm a fairly new father as of June 25, 2016 and it's been a terrifying ride. Once my father told me that at least 3 generations of fathers left their families and everyday I fight to break the cycle. I've long forgave my father for all the times he wasn't there, especially after knowing the circumstances he's told me he experienced in his childhood. 2017 has been an interesting year in hip-hop music but to hear a legend of S. Dot come from the throne to tell people, particularly men, his struggles when it comes to fatherhood/childhood/parenthood. "Adnis" is a song of reflection, which I believe is stark reminder of the continual problems in the black community. There are too many single mothers with multiple kids and those kids don't have their father around to love or provide. We've got too may young boys (and girls) walking around angry with the world, hating themselves, and borderline homicidal/suicidal because their father (mothers) is nonexistent (most of the time emotionally/psychologically healthy relationships). This song talks about the culture of abandonment that so many of us in the black community (or anyone of any race for that matter) deals with when the people we love the most leaves us hanging. This song also touches on the problem that the black community has when it comes to drugs and alcohol (oh yeah, this includes me, too). Most importantly, this talks about the black community finally letting go of its ego, its pride, its carelessness, its selfishness, its religion, its excuses, and talk about the various shit that plaques us as individuals as well as families. Albums like Jay-Z's "4:44", Tyler the Creator's "Flower Boy", Vic Mensa's "The Autobiography", and Logic's "Everybody" are wake up calls for us to speak honestly and openly. However, there is reasonable doubt the black community as a whole are listening to the horns to simmer down, sit down, and get real. 

Tim next time.....

Contentment Versus Searching

As a child of the 80s, I used to hear people say, "old dogs can't learn new tricks." Since then, I've learned for old dogs to survive, they just may have to. I've come to the conclusion that my life is on a new path, a new journey, a new adventure. Most of everything and everyone I've tried to hold onto are being forced by life's hand. We should all know that this life I'm referring to is God. For the past couple of days, I've been listening to Alter Bridge's Broken Wings circa 2004. This song explains what my life has been, what it is now, and what my life will be. It's been a hard and eventful journey and I've learned the only absolute truth in this life is life itself (and everything that comes with it). This includes the good, bad, and ugly. I'm seeing more people becoming content with how their life is with no aspiration to morph into someone better. A lot of Christians and Muslims alike are content with dogmatism (which has no place in this world). Some have never left their hometown in search of seeing what this big ole world has to offer. People are just content but I don't feel that same way. The world is ours and we have to take. Whether it's performing music, starting a company, or studying different cultures, your soul is searching for something. Your soul is searching for more. That's put of the creative juices God put inside each of us. When those juices stop flowing, we've got a problem, Houston. For me, contentment is boring, uneventful, very pungent. Searching is risky, challenging, and exciting. Contentment is the breeding ground of "playing it safe" and regretting it later when we've lost the ability to be in search mode.  I see how certain people I've met in my life are just everywhere but they were happy. Other people that were content with doing the same things day after day, year after year, are like a walking ghost floating through life. I think one of reasons why some are like this is from being scared of what other people are thinking, saying, or might say about them. As for me, I'm not afraid. I'm tired of living in fear and one thing is for certain is this:

"I'd rather chase heaven on this earth because being content will lead me into an entire life filled with hell."

People can say what they want about Jay-Z, Will Ferrell, and Lady GaGa, but these people are examples of searching versus contentment. They would've been content but they chose to "step out on faith" and take chances. Some chances may have caused them pain but look at where they are today. Guess what? They're still searching for more. What about you? What about me? What about us?

Are we going to stay content with the "four walls" of religious dogmatism, J.O.B. careers, and staying in the same town/state forever? Or are we going to be like animals when the seasons change and move; searching for another place to inhabit?

The choice is up to us.

Till next time, "The Wanderer......"

Employ The Mind

As some of you have read my posts over the past few months, I've been going through a very hard struggle mentally. After spending years and years in a system of heretical religiosity I now call "Alcatraz", I've been seeking help. Right now, I won't call myself a Christian yet I'm not an atheist or an agnostic. I think I'm walking a new path of enlightenment where there's more to life than right and wrong. As a good friend of mine has shared with me and resonates in me is the "grey area." Of course, I could do the whole "religious thing" like "pray and fast", join another church, and have a preacher man or woman call me up to the altar, pour oil on my head, speak in unknown languages, and lay hands on me until "demons come out" through coughing up (which is another false working of the Holy Spirit and to build a preacher's ego). Anyway, I've been reading a lot and researching just different topics about this thing called life. One thing I remember hearing from this substitute teacher in my 8th grade science class dropped a jewel to us young black boys soon to be young men, "read." Dictionaries, books, studies. 16 years later, I'm a testament that he is still right. I just finished reading Jay-z's Decoded and now reading Ja-Rule's Unruly. Wow, I can relate to them in various ways minus the drug dealing, rap industry, and wealth. But reading is helping me employ as well as strengthen my mental and emotional fragility. It's employing my mind. Slowly working on music and working to build back up my skills on the keys and bass is employing my mind. Talking with different types of people even strangers who could be a serial killer (but aren't) is helping me employing my mind. Hell, writing these blogs to blow off steam and say things that might piss a few people off is employing the mind. An old saying states, "an idle mind is the devil's workshop." Well, I'd like to rephrase that, "an idle mind is the workshop for the devil in you to f--- up your own life" (I.e. - various sports stars....). Employing the mind doesn't require something big or major, just simple things this life provides us. Employing the mind is something I'm working on everyday to get myself out of the abyss rather than jive myself in using repressive tactics handed down down by Azuza Street. I'm going to use a God given gift of the wisdom here on earth and His love to get my mind back in order. Well, that's my tangent, my friends.

Til next time.....

Coming of Age: Learning From Life's Lessons

It's me again, friends. It's been a while. Since the last time I posted something "fresh", I've been in a couple of battles within this war called "adult" life. Being an adult is more than making money everyday on the job, having the freedom to do what you want, and making your own decisions. Being an adult is having some sort of basis or "foundation" to stand on. It's about having facts or truth that will help guide you in what James Brown called "A Man's World." It's a cold one, too. Throughout these past two months, I've been on a journey and man, it's been a long one. A couple of days ago, a good friend of mine and I were talking about some real issues. Then, wham, a thought came to my head. It was called "Coming of Age." What is coming of age? Coming up, I remember listening to a song Jay-Z had on his first LP "Reasonable Doubt" that had the same title with Memphis Bleek (don't act like you guys never heard it). The moral of that song was the younger dude's need to come up, grow out of some things and grow into some things. Now, I'm not saying we chase after that dollar because the love of money is the root of all types of evil, which many of us thirst for (1st Timothy 6:10). What I am saying is that we need to seek to get better. Our attitudes, our ways, our thinking, our associations, and paths. We learn to come of age or mature when we learn and meditate on life's lessons occurring in our lives. One thing that I love about God is that He allows us to experience the good, the bad, and the ugly to draw our attention to what's really important. About ten plus years ago, my focus was copping that new Cam'ron joint, getting blitzed after work, and chasing after women. Fast forward to 2013, my focus is on serving God, getting my financial house in order, taking care of my wife, and building my career. Things within these past ten plus years have caused me to change my focus. They've caused me to grow up. The last time I was in B-more, one of the most meaningful conversations I had was with my Jermaine (LaVar to some). Seeing all of his scars help make him become the business man he is today. Experience. Some people believe that we can actually escape the hard times but that's further from the truth. God sort of directs our path to those harsh experiences to put our trust in Him and to move forward from the foolishness. Have you ever seen 30, 40, 50, or older people still act like middle school kids? The answer is that they never learned to mature from their life's lessons. I'm planning on not making that same mistake. God allowed Joshua to see all that Moses did and what he experienced. One thing was for sure, he saw his mentor miss out on the "promise" given by God to Israel. Joshua took it to heart and crossed that river. Although things was perfect in the promised land, he lived out the promise given to him. He didn't make the same mistakes as Moses because he learned from life's lessons. How many of us are learning from life's lessons? If we don't we'll never grow. Those things and people (or those jokers) will continually frustrate you until you kill your own dreams and goals. My friends, let's learn from our lessons and our experiences. Let's grow, let's mature, let's be counted among the eagles that soar about this earth's worthless drama. You know what I'm saying?

Til next time, DgWo

Reference:
Joshua 1
Romans 5: 1-5